My First Impressions of a Man with 3 Nipples and a Semi-Useless Female

The Man With The Golden Gun was an interesting turnaround from the sharpness that was Sean Connery.  Roger Moore has all the wit and quick moves that Connery did but he is now packing one more equally powerful thing: the ability to high kick a man directly in his face. The obsession with judo and kung fu is clearly present in this film, almost to the level of absurdity. Not as absurd as the car-plane that Scaramanga flew off into the sunset towards his hidden lair.

The most absurd thing is how useless is Mary Goodnight. Way to positively represent women secret agents, Miss Goodnight. Gold star you. You ran around Scaramanga’s private lair in nothing but a bikini, I can give you that. You did cause the entire lair to overheat and blow up by fighting off an unwanted advancement. He plummeted into the frozen waters and caused the temperature to rise. Oh and that butt shot was a nice touch, as you accidentally leaned over too far and your perfectly perky cheeks pressed the start up button to the solar laser as Bond hurriedly tries to pry out the Solar Plexus.  

The juxtaposition between you and Bond is a dramatic one. Bond is cool and collect and you fumble as you try to install the locator device in the trunk of the car. Goodnight, you try and I appreciate that, but your weakness doesn’t make me feel like I could become a secret agent.  And you trail after Bond. I know he is dreamy. I have seen those gorgeous crystal blue eyes. It’s probably not worth it to have sex with him. By now, Bond has probably had sex with at least 12 other women and I wouldn’t trust him to be 100% disease free.  

Overall, the movie was extremely campy and filled with wit and cheap special effects. The scene that I liked was the one that reminded me of the Hunger Games. Bond was a mouse in Scarmanga’s fun house, fumbling around trying to orient himself. With Nick Nack’s voice booming around the agent, Bond cleverly hides underneath the set. And drops his gun. It clangs and falls into the darkness and all hope is lost for the agent. However, somehow he miraculously finds it at the end and cleverly poses as the wax figure of himself. Bam. Scarmanga is dead. Double O Seven saves the day again.